I used to live with the mentality that every one of my actions or inactions directly contributed towards my future in some respect or the other. Then it dawned on me, I was never afraid of the future; I was afraid that the future would not be as good, that I, or people in my life would not be as happy as I had planned, hoped or as good or happy as they were in the present. But how can I say that when I didn't truly knew what it meant to live in the present? The fear of change, of despair, of hurt, and/or of disappointment consumed me to the point that I would obsess over making every decision that could in some possible way contribute to the future. I built my life around this concept and lifestyle, I was fully aware of the affects it was having on my life yet I was not willing to give up control, until 2 months ago. It was like God threw me in the backseat and said "hang on and buckle up, because it is going to be a long, bumpy ride!" Looking back, I can not thank Him enough for taking control, because without Him, I wouldn't have been strong enough to change what needed to be changed in my life; because after all, I was terrified by the concept of change, not to mention the thought of changing probably 2 of the biggest parts of my life at the time. I used to hold onto many things in my life too tightly, various relationships, expectations of myself and of others, and my control over what the future brought. At some point or another, I realized each of these things I was holding onto so tightly were also the things that the tighter I held, the further I drifted from real faith. The faith that frees you to the point where you don't have to hold on tightly, to anything but God. The faith that frees you from worry, fear, guilt and disappointment. No, I am not saying that just because you have faith, nothing bad will happen to you in your life, because it will. But instead of falling on your face, God promises you a safety net, always. A safety net that will always sustain you, always give you strength, and will never let you fall to the point where His grace cannot protect you.
Over break I went on vacation to Florida with my family, my future brother-in-law and my amazing friend Christie. Christie and I went parasailing one day, something I had always wanted to do. Right before sending us into the air with only a strap to hang onto, the captain told us "Don't give the strap a death grip, you'll get tired." Later I thought about what he said and realized it was just what I needed to do in my life. Don't hold onto life with a death grip, you will get tired and you will get weak. Instead, allow yourself to be guided by a professional who knows what He's doing.
I am currently reading a book that Nina recommended called bittersweet. I haven't even gotten past the first 2 chapters but I am already recommending that anyone and everyone get this book in their possession. In the first chapter, the author illustrates the concept of change through an ocean wave saying, "If you try to stand and face the wave, it will smash you to bits. If you dig and fight the changes, they will smash you to bits. They'll hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you. But if you can find it within yourself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together, you'll find yourself drawn along to a whole new place, an there's truly nothing sweeter. Unclench your fists, unlock your knees and also the door to your heart, take a deep breath, and begin to swim. Begin to let the waves do their work on you."
So that is what I'm doing, I have never felt so much opportunity given to me in my life. Opportunity to just be in a relationship with Jesus for once and let Him transform me instead of trying to transform myself. I have learned that ruin is the road to transformation, and it is beautiful. I have learned that change is not easy, but it is a long journey worth finishing. So hold on loosely but don't let go. And through it all know that God doesn't make mistakes. "When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate, and when life is bitter, say thank you and grow."
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." -John 16:33
Beanie, I am so proud of you and how you have learned from the past. You have handled yourself in such a way that anyone would admire. Rather than let yourself crumble, you found a way to grow from the negative. And that is what will always make you stronger and make you appreciate all that God and life have to offer to us. It is so easy to find the joy in life when things are going well, but to find the joy when life throws you a curve ball is the true test in faith. As you know I have had a few negatives in my past but without those experiences, I would never have learned about Faith and growing in adversity. I love every minute of life now and live for the present and let the future take care of itself. Everyday is a gift and a chance to be a better person. You have learned this at a much younger age than I did, and I hope that you find a way to teach others this very important lesson. It changes the way one lives their life and makes every breath a little sweeter than the previous one. I love you so much Kristina and am so very proud of the person you are.
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